The porcine plague is real. Swine flu is now circling the globe and spreading quickly. The World Health Organization says we are very close to a full-fledged pandemic.

There’s nothing funny about the flu (regular, bird, swine, etc.). Just your run-of-the-mill flu kills 36,000 people each year in the United States alone. But what strikes me as curious about the swine flu epidemic is the concept of “social distancing” described in a story on MSNBC. A social distancing strategy temporarily closes schools, parks, offices or other large social gathering places. You’re also encouraged to avoid contact with others until the risk passes.

The strategy worked in cities that adopted it during the 1918 flu pandemic. And it may yet work again. But it reminds me of the movie “I Am Legend.” Remember how the virus went airborne as officials tried to contain it in New York City? Ultimately, it wiped out everyone except Will Smith and his loyal hound who remained impervious to the virus as long as the zombies didn’t bite them.

Now I don’t think a zombie revolution is pending. But in case “social distancing” policies go into effect and we get confined inside our homes as we await a cure or vaccination, here’s a list of the “Top 5 Pig Songs for the Swine Flu Pandemic.”

#5: Piggies – The Beatles (1968)

Let’s start with “Piggies” by The Beatles from The Beatles (or The White Album). For the record, “pigs” in this song is not a euphemism for the police. Charles Manson pretty much ruined “Piggies” for everyone after he interpreted George Harrison’s line about “what they need’s a damn good whacking” to mean he should beat up his local law enforcement officers. Manson spared the officers but did plenty of damage with his gang of ghouls to some other unlucky souls.

Listen to “Piggies” by The Beatles

Beatles_Piggies.mp3

#4: I Kissed a Pig – Jasmine & Barbie Q (2008)

Katie Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl” was a massive hit in 2008. Since all massive hits eventually inspire a parody (that’s the basis of Weird Al Yankovic’s career), “I Kissed a Pig” was a logical, uh, idea.

It’s silly. It’s stupid. It’s catchy. It’s illegal in 41 of 50 states. And now you can watch the video (don’t worry, it’s suitable for work, which is where you’re probably reading this list anyway).

“I Kissed a Pig” lyrics:

This was never the way I planned
Not my intention
I never thought I’d love a ham
She looked so small and fenced in

It’s not what I’m used to
Just a night out on the farm
Your grunting, for some food
Caught my attention

Chorus:
I kissed a pig and I liked it,
The taste of those hairy pig lips
I kissed a pig just to try it
I hope farmer Jim don’t mind it

It felt so wrong, it felt so right
I rolled in mud the whole night
I kissed a pig and I liked it
I liked it

#3: War Pigs – Black Sabbath (1970)

Coming it at #3 is “War Pigs” by Black Sabbath, the original heavy metal band. Sabbath is raging against the Vietnam war. Kind of the same way we’re waging a war against pigs right now. So give Ozzy and Tony Iommi their due and rock this live version of “War Pigs” loudly.

#2: Mona – James Taylor (1985)

Besides lonely men in prison or Jasmine and Barbie Q from #4 on our list, who writes love songs to pigs? The same guy who wrote “Fire and Rain” of course.

“Mona” is simply a bizarre song that has all the classic James Taylor trademarks: great guitar playing, sensitive singing and unabashed sentiment. It sounds like a typical love song, until you realize he’s singing about the pet pig he blasted with a shotgun when it grew too old to walk around anymore. So he buried Mona behind the house where she now pushes up a pine tree in his yard. It comes from Taylor’s successful 1985 comeback album That’s Why I’m Here.” Oddly, it was never a hit on soft-rock stations.

Listen to “Mona” by James Taylor

Mona – James Taylor

“Mona” lyrics:

Lifes good friends are hard to find
And now one of mine is dead
And things I should have said to her
I shall say to you instead

Chorus:
Mona mona
So much of you to love
Too much of you to take care of
Mona mona
You got too big to keep
And too damn old to eat

When you where just a football
At your mamas side
I reckon everyone figured you
For a bar-b-que when you died
And here Im thinking about you
Lying underground
Pushing up a pine tree in my field

Oh mona mona
You can close your eyes
I’ve got a twelve gauge surprise
Waiting for you

#1: Pigs on the Wing – Pink Floyd (1977)

“Pigs on the Wing” comes from Pink Floyd’s 1977 album titled Animals, which is based loosely on George Orwell’s Animal Farm for you literary types who want to analyze the lyrics and debate their meaning in Pink Floyd forums. It’s not the best Pink Floyd album but it does have its fans. What is most memorable about the record is the artwork that featured a huge pig flying over an industrial building. The pig was airborne…kind of like the swine flu virus. Prescient? Or just creepy?

Listen to “Pigs on the Wing” by Pink Floyd

Pigs on the Wing by Pink Floyd

“Pigs on the Wing” lyrics:

If you didn’t care what happened to me,
And I didn’t care for you
We would zig zag our way
through the boredom and pain
Occasionally glancing up through the rain
Wondering which of the buggers to blame
And watching for pigs on the wing.

You know that I care what happens to you
And I know that you care for me too
So I don’t feel alone
Of the weight of the stone
Now that I’ve found somewhere safe
To bury my bone
And any fool knows a dog needs a home
A shelter from pigs on the wing